Wrong Way ...

If there is anything sadder in terms of love, it is unrequited love. A love that shouldn’t manifest despite its ardent longing to be with that person. Sadly I myself, have fallen victim to this. Let me tell you my story.

I have met a person whom, at first I found pitiful, because I thought he was begging me to be part of his team. I found it pitiful and, being a kind-hearted fellow that I am, I gave it a shot. When I joined his team and attended the trainings, I found out that I was the one who was pitiful, as I didn’t know how to plan for my future. He has his own plans and his course of action. I don’t even have a dream, let alone a course of action that I should take.

As the months passed by, he was training me on how to handle the business that I have, and I learned how to do it on my own, but still needed a guide or two since it takes time to really master the business. Apart from my skills that grew, so did my feelings for him, albeit he doesn’t know it because he’s (always) clueless. I guess it’s that naïveté that attracts me to him.

Of course, this is a purely business relationship that I have with him, nothing underneath that is scandalously juicy. I tried to hide it by playing nonchalant, to the point that I almost convinced myself that I really didn’t harbor any romantic feelings for him. I was THAT good … or so I thought.

Until just last weekend, our business group went to the beach to just relax and enjoy a little bit of summer and obviously, my mentor/crush was with us. Up until that day, I never really thought him that attractive though I would say I do find him cute and pleasing to look at (which was my advantage since he’s personally mentoring me) but when he’s not wearing his semi-casual attire or even business attire, it was another side that I’d never thought I’d see again . He was wearing a black windbreaker and a white T-shirt underneath it and maong pants, the ensemble looked uniquely almost perfect because of his clean haircut which really turned heads, at least for me .

He really looked clean and just plain handsome. How can you not turn away from him? Apparently, he knew how to ruin the moment. He introduced me to his guest and he addressed me using my codename: Trixie. Pissie little byotch yes I was.

Nevertheless, his charming cute looks won me over, and I’ve seen him almost everyday for the last 6 months that I’ve been doing the business? A tall Chinese-mestizo young adult with a kissable pinkish lips that looks sexier with a little bit of facial hair on his chin and upper lip. Goodness, just thinking about those lips makes me want to kiss him, but I can’t, because he’s my mentor.

My ardent feelings for him reached its pinnacle, but still clandestine during late evening when we played a quasi-truth or dare whilst drinking alcohol (I didn’t drink alcohol, I don’t want to …). I liked the fact that he didn’t vomited when he drank quite a lot. He was clueless just quiet and when he was beyond tipsy (read: drunk) he went straight to bed and slept like cooking oil on a cold winter day (read: hibernated). Although he was a little bit too skinny for me, I still like him, a little bit more than before.

Sometimes I find myself looking at him for an indefinite period of time and just plainly looking at him. I guess it’s ok, since he’s oblivious to it.

If there’s anything worth noting about this mini vaca is the question and answer portion (the time when my other group mates were drinking booze and I was being the tight diva). I was hoping that he would get the “you can ask a question to anyone in this group” card and he’d ask me if I had a crush on him.

I’d initially say No but the truth of the matter is, I do have one, kind of big, but not big enough to sweep me off my feet.

They also asked me if I’d be stuck in an island and I had to take one person with me in our group. Initially I said another name (a girl’s name) because, of course, I was hiding it and I hid it further by injecting some green jokes. But truth of the matter is, I want to be with him. I really do, I’d spend my lifetime with him, loving him, caring for him.

I prayed to God and finally admitted to Him that I really like him, despite all that façade of indifference and now, my crush towards him suddenly grew.

This is where the sad part comes in. I can only look from afar. He’s a straight guy; he’d never take interest in a gay person like me. He would never pursue me. Hanggang tingin lang ako. I’d probably be sad if I see him with another girl, only because I really want to be that girl, loving him. Thinking about this makes me tear up a bit because I am genuinely honest with my feelings with him. But maybe because it was me who pushed him away. He wanted to connect, but I didn’t let him. I still think he’s straight, the connection he wants to establish with me was probably a friendship one, not a romantic one.

I wish he would become my boyfriend, even for just one day. That would be enough for me to show how much I really care for him, not just show how much I progressed in my business. I would be very happy if that happened :), even in just one day with him, wrong way, T*ng Rong Wei. His Chinese name fits the path I’m treading, wrong way. If this is happiness, then I’d be happy I was wrong, for a day. I wish I could tell you I love you without feeling embarrassed or compromising our business relationship, but for now, it has to remain silent. My mentor, not my boyfriend.

I can never be the woman you desire, I’m not a woman, just a gay man wanting to feel your love. I’ll never experience it with you. So close yet so far away, that adage can’t get anymore concrete…