The Unspoken

I met you last Friday, in your place, a faraway place from my own home. I took the risk of going to a stranger's domicile, thinking of all the harm possible enough to be inflicted by any know person. It took me some time to get to your place, because I didn't know where you lived, you're supposed to fetch me, which you did, and which I am grateful. The trip was long, contrary to what you told me that it is a 40 minute travel, it took me almost an hour.

When we had that rendezvous, my mind was racing..

"will you show up?"

"if you see me, will you still meet me, even if I don't look like a male supermodel, or even a cute celebrity?"

"will you ditch me, when you see me? leaving me all alone in front of that university?"

BUT YOU DIDN'T. FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL, BUT I WILL BUTCHER YOU IF YOU DID

You took me to your home, a small, crowded place you call your second home. You told me it was a mess, it was, but it was cleaner compared to my room, which doubles as our house's utility room. I am not the kind of person who would complain whether there's aircon or whether the interior design was inspired by that of Armani, Versace or even Missoni. No, I appreciate that comes my way, whether it was something I'm "accustomed" to or not.

When you took me in, my eyes went towards you, how much I wanted to hug you, how I missed you, after those times you did not even respond to my messages. I asked you why you weren't replying to my messages, you said you were busy. I can see that, because I saw that you were working on your paper for you Law classes. I hope you become a lawyer someday, if that's what the program you enrolled promised, a chance to take the Bar Exams. Then you closed the file, saved it in a flash disk, then in a compact disk because you're flash disk is more reliable than a condom with holes as big as an ant's bite. And then you asked me to tell a story, anything I wanted to tell, you said.

I couldn't think of anything, but our glances always crossed, I know you want to tell me something, your body language tells it. I know you wanted to make love with me, but you couldn't tell me directly. You looked so cute subtly throwing cues like that, I'd have to say they were subtle, and I liked it. This is the first time I would make love, not have sex, there's a world of a difference, despite the similarity of execution. Before we did it, I wanted to tell you how much I love you, even if this is the first time I saw you, and despite the fact we've been chatting before Jeffrey came in the picture. I love you, my Italian-named friend.

I want to say sorry that I didn't take the cue, because to be honest, it croses my mind that meeting you means there's a possibility that we would have sex, or in this case we would make love, sweet love. I wanted to make love because I love you, I love everything about you, even if you don't look like Tyson Ballou, Andrew Cooper, Noah Mills, Will Chalker, Brad Kroenig, or even James Franco, Hayden Christensen, Michael Copon, nor Josh Hartnett. I love you, so much that it was hard for me to have sex with you, but I conditioned myself to make love, in lieu of having sex.

We made love, to be honest that was ok with me, as I'm always ready, but I couldn't bring myself to have sex with you, as you were too special for a one night stand. You're not a Dolce Gabbana fucker, you're more special than that. You were someone I would make love when the right time comes, but it happened last Friday, not to say you became less special than I originally perceived you. You will always be special to me, mroe special than Leon and that stupid Pasigueño prick. I love you remember?

After that we had a little talk, about how I beat you because I shot my juice higher than yours, I just said I'm excited to do it (make love to you). I mean that as a complement, not desperation for sexual satiation. A more pressing finding, I wanted to say I love you, but something holds me back. Do you love me? Much more, if not as much as I do? Maybe that's too much for you, but I couldn't say it, probably because I was missing you, thinking it was just me missing you rather than something as profound as love.

Around 9pm we left your place and you accompanied me to this place where vehicles taking me near to my home. While we were walking you told me how tired I was. I was not tired. Maybe I am, may because we made love? Of course, making love can be exhausting. While we were walking I wanted to hold your hand, while we're crossing the roads, sauntering street after street, I wanted so much to feel your hand hold my hand, because I miss you, because I love you, because I want to be with you, because in you I find solace, but you don't want that, at least in public because you'd get embarrased, that's OK, I'm a private person myself.

You stayed with me until I got to ride an FX, for that I thank you. I could've waited for the FX myself, I appreciate that, but maybe you're thinking I'm too weak to travel alone, too incapable of even waiting for an FX, I can. It's an excuse to see you for the time being, I know you're busy, and I don't want to take up much of your time, you have classes the next day. But thank you, I finally meet you, we made love, even if I couldn't tell you how much I loved you, how much I waited for this day to come. I hope you love me too, because I do.

Bad Days...

I am writing this blog (I don’t know if this will be short) because I am absolutely bored to death. Not that I neglect my daily work, it’s just that there is no access to yahoo mail today. It really is disturbing because I’m so used of logging on to yahoo to check my mails regularly, even 3-5 times a day or more.

This day is becoming worse, first of all, I was late for work, I came in around almost 930am. I don’t want to be late for anything because it’s a sign of being unprofessional. Well, at least during the time I’m traveling to work, 2 really great songs played on the radio, first is “Baby Can I Hold You” originally sang by Tracy Chapman, revived by Boyzone. The one that played on the radio was the version of Boyzone, really nice, mellow but potent, emotion-wise, or maybe at least to me it is that potent. I love the strings playing A-minor scale, adding that expressive meno dolce (less sweet) yet amoroso (lovingly) feel. The second one was from Plus One and it’s called “Last Flight Out”. It has that serene and also potent feel, but different from the earlier song I mentioned. This one is in key of E-Major. I also love the strings here because they kind of sound like a synthesizer but the string ensemble’s sound is very identifiable. Actually, what’s stuck in my head is Last Flight Out (I have this song’s video in my multiply account), it’s really nice; I wish you can hear it. What’s that situation when a song is stuck in your head? Oh yes, Last Song Syndrome (LSS).

I feel bad for my co-worker, he has no internet connection whatsoever since this morning. I know what that feels like, very vulnerable. Thankfully for me I can access some other sites, he can’t. Not to demean him or anything but, It’s probably one of those really darn-it days when just when you need the net, this happens. That used to happen to me, but he was there to the rescue, me, I’m super incapable of even helping with his problem, just to sympathize I guess.

I’m a bit disappointed today because I’m supposed to meet this guy today, during lunch, but no, it never happened. He told me he’d text me if ever he’s around Makati so we can have our rendezvous. Unfortunately, no word from him, I even asked him if it (rendezvous) would still push through, nada. I’m disappointed so much, he didn’t even text me about it. I’m sad, I hope we can still meet one of these days. I feel like crying because I didn’t meet him, but no I’m not gonna cry, I’d understand him. Who knows? He might well become my boyfriend…

This day is one of those days…really bad one, within a year a day or two like this occurs, and guess what? There’s another year coming ahead of me, that means 2 really bad days ahead for 2008 (I started in this company last June 2007, from that time up until now May 2008, there has been a total of 2 horribly bad days). I just want to go home and sulk and cry and then workout. There’s a possibility that I am wrong and that many more really bad days are ahead, hopefully not more than 20.