Indulgences, Yet Again

Today I’m blogging, out of fun and since my bosses aren’t around anyways.

To start the fun, I have finally filed my resignation 2 weeks ago. I just have to.

There’s only so much respect I can leave for myself. It’s in this company I learned how to discourage myself, with all the indifference to acceptable outputs and critical satire on mistakes. I also learned how to procrastinate by epic proportions, miss deadlines consistently and the most infamous of them all, that there is life other than finance.

That’s the true reason of my resignation, because I feel like I am not worthy of the position I applied for, that I am incapable of menial finance-related tasks and that I cannot even speak straightly. My stint here was but a whirlwind of events, from me believing in myself that I can do great things with proper guidance, to developing a sense of self-doubt in everything that I do. Yes, in 14 months of my stay here I learned how to doubt myself and convince myself that I cannot do anything right, that I am bound to commit mistakes not even a stupid person would do. That I am beyond stupid…I am a horrendous employee…I am worse than an illiterate person in finance, ironic how I finished a degree in the same field, only to be considered illiterate. I even learned to dislike myself because of this job and that I am no less than dumb.

But there is a glimmer of hope in me, a part of me that doesn’t believe that I’m stupid, I’m a bad employee, that I maybe in the wrong industry. That’s why I left, before I virtually succumb to my inner demons, I need to find myself, and find out what I’m meant to do, what my true strengths are and what I can do to improve that and share it to others. I may have learned to hate myself and distrust my own capabilities in 14 months, but I’m taking a firm stand that I can recover what I’ve lost before, my drive, my vision, my dream, my very essence. That’s my temporary mission, to find myself and when I do, I’ll give back to those who helped me found my way. In due time, I will find my way, I will begin to believe in myself, I will scrap all the wrong habits I picked up from work. I will find myself, with the help of God because none of the things I want to do will happen if I don’t get my strength from God, he’s the energizer that jumpstarts me. When I become successful, first credit belongs to Him.

So much for self-loathing and on a lighter mood, yesterday Dad gave me an IPOD as gift. Even if my birthday is until next month, he gave it in advance. I’m more relieved than happy because at least it isn’t another Bulgari Pour Homme fragrance that he keeps shoving in my throat. I don’t wanna be rude but I’m not fond of its smell, I like Dolce & Gabbana’s Light Blue fragrance. I’m not saying Bulgari smells bad, it’s just that I like Dolce more. I mean, who does he think I am, Kate Moss? Jessica Stam?

Anyways, he didn’t really buy the Ipod from some techhie store in Glorietta or Anson but he bought it from my (proxy) godfather (and not finagling it from some dubious supplier, thankyouverymuch…). The Ipod was normal size, unlike my mom’s silver nano ipod which I dig so much. I’m not the person to complain where my gifts came from, I appreciate it, even if it’s that darn Bulgari he gives to me. I liked it at first but getting another one for my birthday gift, I mean come on?! I’d have appreciated if he gave me like…Gucci or Armani, or even Givenchy. Forgive the digression of thoughts, going back to the Ipod, because my godfather got to use it first, it had a lot of tunes in it, from Cyndi Lauper to Sam Milby. I gotta say, that’s what I call diverse.

I actually was expecting for a gift the following:

A Balenciaga teal top with ecru and black twisted detail (I think my Whoops black pants with white-wash detail on the legs in front would work better) for daywear look

For cold days, this Egyptomania-inspired daywear look from Sophia Kokosalaki might come in handy (I can't use another gold for the shows, it's just too much, black gladiators will do)

A demure gradient of dark coffee brown chic bubble band dress from Herve Leger (I could probably use some heels with a demure but statement-y colored pumps (say purple or raspberry red) for cocktails

For my everyday look, this white shirt and emerald green shorts with python details from Prada will be my outfit. (I'd like to pair this with a raspberry Mary Jane pumps from Marni but I feel like it will be too Christmas-y, maybe during December?)

Raspberry Pumps form Marni

And lastly, for my evening wear, I'd like this pistachio t-shirt gown from Emanuel Ungaro (This maybe one look that can be accentuated by a pair of gold stilettos)

Those are what I want for my birthday, Christmas is another thing ok?